Lift Jokes / Recent Jokes
You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.
I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another.
She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball.
The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.
I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.
Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?
The following is from an actual 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life:
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of more...
Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of hand. Then he got an idea. He had seen elephants lift one leg, and even two legs. Once in a circus he'd even seen an elephant lift three legs in the air and stand on just one.
So Reggie announced to the world that he'd pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant stand in the air on no legs. However, each person who wanted to try would have to pay a hundred dollars.
People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to hypnotism, but no one could make the elephant rise up in the air.
Then one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and addressed Reggie: "Is it true that you'll pay ten thousand dollars if I make your elephant get off all four legs?"
"Yes," Reggie said, "but you've got to pay one hundred dollars to try."
The little man handed Reggie a hundred-dollar bill. Then he went back to he car and took out a more...
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.
The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."
So the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
International Travellers Bloopers1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat. 2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. 4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a. m. daily. 5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. 6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. 7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday. 8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???). 9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream. 10. On the menu of a more...
Once South Asian Countries had called a meeting in Nepal. Organizer of the meeting had invited two people from each country. One was a man and other one was a woman. From Sri-Lanka, Jeyawardene and Srimavo had gone to the meeting to represent Sri-Lanka. Last day of the meeting the organizer planned to have a competition among the people. So, he announced whose dick would lift the maximum weight. Everyone was did the best they can. Jeyawardene was very old man among the representatives he couldn't even turn on his dick. Srimavo realised Jeyawardene's terrible situation and she wanted to help Jeyawardene. Suddenly Srimavo lift her skirt up and Jeyawardene saw her pussy and the weight in the string went up. Jeyawardene got the prize in the competition.