Lift Jokes / Recent Jokes

TAKE me to the tenth floor,' said Banta as he entered the lift of a high rise building. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said,' The 10th floor, beta.'
'Why did you call me beta?' demanded Banta.' I am not your son.'
'I called you beta because I brought you up replied the liftman.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels really good about the result. On her way home she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" About 35 was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.A little while later she goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47."She's starting to feel real good about herself. While standing at the bus stop she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your fanny for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."As there was no one else around the woman thought what the hell and more...

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door."An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best ground beef. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb."Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. more...

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the decks
Not a crewman was stirring,' cept those having sex;
Their boots were all placed by the vent shafts with care,
In hopes that by morning they'd get some fresh air.
The Redshirts were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of stay'ng alive danced in their heads;
And Kirk in his gold shirt, McCoy in his blue,
Had just settled down for a nice Christmas brew--
When from the comm panel there came such a wail,
They sprang from their chairs, knocking over their ale.
Away to the panel Kirk flew, drenched in beer,
Snapped on the comm switch and barked loudly, "Kirk here!"
The squeals that emerged from the thing after that
Sounded just like the Devil was strangling a cat;
When, what to their bombarded ears should appear,
But the music of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,"
With a voice in the background, a murmur of talk,
That more...

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog

The car ride
Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His own car was off the road being serviced.
"Sure," said Morry, "I`ll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside."
As they`re driving along, Moshe says, "Morry, what`s that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?"
"That`s my digital clock."
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And what`s that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"
"That`s my tachometer," says Morry.
Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "But what`s that...."
"Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Morry, "I can see you`ve never been in a Rolls Royce before."
"Never in the front seat." says Moshe.

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door." An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb." Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?" Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at more...