Limit Jokes / Recent Jokes
Always walk with a document in your hands:
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. Those with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make certain you carry loads of stuff home with you at night. This will generate the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy:
Any time you use a computer, it looks like 'work' to the casual observer. You can send/receive personal email, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These are not exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they aren't bad either. When you get caught by the boss, and you *will* get caught, your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable more...
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog. There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong. There is no limit to how bad things can get. There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don`t care who gets the credit. There is no problem a good miracle can`t solve. There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device. There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist. There is no such thing as instant experience. There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Q: what's the speed limit on sex
A; 68, because when you reach 69 you have to turn around
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle more...
There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only 20 dollars to spend. The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only 20 dollars. "But, there is a possibility!" he said. And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said, "You can have this myna bird for 20 dollars, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary." The lady was ecstatic. She paid the 20 dollars, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his more...