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This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and...
"Where does mommy live?"
"Minneapolis."
"Where does grandma live?"
"Baltimore."
"Where does grandpa live?"
"Baltimore."
"And where does daddy live?"
"At work!"
Needless to say, he took the next day off!

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross more...

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1, 000 bones in the human body?
Patient: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't
find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober".

Nurse: "Doctor, don't cut so deep.
That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.
Psychiatrist: more...

> >ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING......... By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
> >
> > Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always
> > in a good mood and always had something positive to say.
> > When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply,
> > "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
> >
> > He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who
> > had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason
> > the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a
> > natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was
> > there telling the employee how to look on the positive side
> > of the situation.
> >
> > Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to
> > Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all
> >of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,
> >
> > "Each more...

I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.
Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I'm chained to this really ugly old thing as penance."
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was more...

A man visits his doctor. "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my testicles has turned blue."
The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"
"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back.
"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other testicle has turned blue too."
Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.
"Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. more...

George CarlinAds in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." --------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff)' Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. - ----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like' Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of' Gosh?' of the church of' Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of more...