Local Jokes / Recent Jokes
An Antartian woman visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the Antartian stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
At the tavern
Abe walks into the local tavern and sees his friend Moishe sitting at the bar. He puts his hand to his heart and yells: "Oy vey, Moishe! I`m so sorry to hear about your shop burning down."
Moishe spun around quickly and whispered, "Shhhh..... it`s tomorrow!!!"
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
When the Rev. Billy Graham came to our local community to be the guest preacher for a holiday evening worship service, he arrived to the church in the afternoon. He wanted to check the setting for his performance, meet with the minister, and take care of some personal matters.
He realized that he had an important letter to mail, so he walked out to the portico, and saw a young boy on a bicycle on his way through. He stopped the boy on his bike to ask him directions on how he might get to the local post office.
The boy obliged, giving Billy Graham precise directions to the nearest post office.
Billy Graham then offered the boy two tickets to his appearance for himself and his mother, and to hear Billy Graham address the topic: "How to Get to Heaven" that evening.
The boy refused to accept the tickets by saying, "I am sorry but I can't accept he tickets because, if you can't find your way to the post office, how can you tell me more...
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good." "Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to more...
The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"
It's the late 1980's, and this technician's boss at a nonprofit agency has a brainstorm."He wanted to provide a menu-driven telephone system that would let local boaters and fishermen call in for information on river levels," says the tech.His further comments: "I was invited to a lunch with the local phone company to discuss it. Being new to the project, I started by asking what percentage of the targeted rural population had touch-tone phone service. .. a must-have for menu-driven phone systems. As I remember, the chicken salad was delicious and the project was never discussed again."