Local Jokes / Recent Jokes

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said, "It depends where you're calling from."

A guy was at the local dance and he asks a girl to dance. "OK," she replies. "What's your name?" he asks. "Franny," she replies. "That's a nice name, Fanny," he says. "NO, NO, NO, it's Franny, Fanny with an R." "OK, sorry," he replies and they carry on dancing. Later on, at the end of the evening, he says, "Can I take you out on a date, Fanny?" "Look," she says. "It's Franny, Fanny with an R." He apologises again. She agrees to meet him the following week, but she insists, "You must remember my name - don't forget Fanny with an R." All that week the guy is looking forward to the date and trying really hard to remember her name, saying to himself, "Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R." The weekend arrives and it's time to pick her up for the date. Walking up to the house, he is still saying to himself, "Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R." He knocks on the more...

One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit, you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed me while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

1. Weed

2. Vancouver: 1. 5 million people and two bridges

3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder

4. The local wine doesn`t taste like malt vinegar

5. Your $400, 000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown

6. A university with a nude beach

7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations

8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash

9. There`s always some sort of deforestation protest going on

10. Cannabis

A district minister arrived one Sunday morning in a small rural town. The local minister asked the district minister to help with a local problem.
"Everyone here thinks they are just perfect!" said the local minister. "Could you preach a sermon that will bring them back to their senses?
The district minister was a gifted speaker, eloquent with words and knowledgeable about the Scripture. He spoke for nearly an hour, convincing everyone that they too were sinners. Finally, the district minister was sure he had set everyone straight.
To reaffirm that they were all thinking alike, the district minister finally asked, "Is there anyone here who thinks they are perfect?"
Everyone was looking at the floor, thinking quietly. Slowly, one man in the back stood up.
The district minister asked the man, "And why do you stand, sir?"
The man said, "I am not perfect, but I am standing in memory of my wife's first husband who was."

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!
WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)
1: Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"
2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.
(This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)
3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?"
(Not recommended at Biker Bars)
4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".
5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)
6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's more...

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll! WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)1: Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.(This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?"(Not recommended at Biker Bars)4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." If they answer you, go to plan 4 more...