Local Jokes / Recent Jokes
Solitaire ‘99
Here is the README. TXT file from Microsoft’s latest software product.
Microsoft Solitaire ‘98
README file, v4. 3
Welcome!
Congratulations!
Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire ‘98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as “long filenames! ”
For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.*
Solitaire ‘98 brings this dream to a blissful reality.
System Requirements:
- 266 MHz Pentium II or better
- 800 megabytes of free hard drive more...
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club."You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive.
Nonplused she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital.
Pointing to the fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million more...
The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in thesentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering herhusband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for himtrying to make his client appear more sympathetic to theJudge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact"about the whole thing all during the trial."Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morningwhere you felt pity for your husband ?""Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied."And when was that?" pressed the attorney."Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."
Little Johnny had just turned six and much to his parents' chagrin, had never
spoken.Johnny's Grandpa, a well-known local poker player, was sympathetic to Johnny's plight, and would take Johnny with him whenever possible. One regular bonding between grandpa and grandson was at the Elk's Club Saturday night straight poker game. Johnny would sit on Grandpa's lap and faithfully watch as Grandpa regularly cleaned
out the town council members, local attorneys and judges.One Saturday night, Grandpa's cards were running bad. Nothing was working. For the first time, it looked like Grandpa's famous winning streak was about to come to an end. Towards the end of the evening, furious at his run of bad luck, Grandpa folded and threw his cards on the pot in disgust. Johnny looked up at his grandpa and said, “You shouldn't have folded, Grandpa.”Grandpa was stunned. “Johnny, you're six years old, and these are the first words you've ever spoken!”Johnny looked at Grandpa and said, more...
Our local cable company recently took over one of the channels and began 24-hour adverstising on it.
One of the programmes is called "The Dating Network (TM)" and consists of people placing personal ads on for this hour that it's on every night.
Cable advertises the show on other stations, and the ad goes something like this: "Successful singles don't do to singles bars! They don't go on special singles cruises! No, successful singles use The Dating Network (TM)..."
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the object of going to bars and cruises and The Dating Network (TM) to be *un*successful at being single...?
Turning back to football (some call it soccer!), our local ABC affiliate, the one that blocks out NYPD Blue with Baywatch 'cause NYPD Blue really isn't quality programming, refuses to cover the World Cup.
They announced that they didn't feel that the audience would be strong enough to show the matches, so they're instead showing movies more...
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"