London Jokes / Recent Jokes

In a nearly empty London bar on a filthy winter's day, there were
several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical
American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its
weather and everything else about it.
He says loudly:
"What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, it's cold,
wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same
temperature, the streets are packed and you can't even get a cab."
Several people quietly leave.
He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says:
"Hey, limey: how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?"
He is ignored, more people leave. After much more of this only
the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are
left.
He says:
"Hey, limey: I'm talking to you. I've been to damn near every
country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how
you can bear to live here. This more...

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and
that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan
replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that
thing up in two weeks!"
House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618
"Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a
year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's
that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."
Bill Kennedy {cbosgd | ihnp4! petro | sun! texsun! rrm}! ssbn! bill

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.
Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.
The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.
So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar."
The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar."The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker. "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers hear the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one passenger become furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for morethan 30 days will be disposed of.

IN A more...

We are what we eat
Mrs Herman from London was visiting some friends in Florida when she saw a little old man rocking merrily away on his front porch. He had a lovely smile on his face. She just had to go over to him.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. I would love to know your secret for a long and happy life.”
“I smoke four packets of cigarettes a day, drink five bottles of scotch whiskey a week, eat lots and lots of fatty food and I never, I mean never exercise.”
“Why, that’s absolutely amazing. I’ve never heard anything like this before. How old are you?”
“I’m twenty six” he replied.