London Jokes / Recent Jokes
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON-- written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H. M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western more...
SUBJECT: Soap Saga
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank
you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which more...
How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.
Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.
What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped zones.
What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.
How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.
What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn more...
Q: Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London? A: They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
Once santa singh was coming back from london to india after finishing his m. b. a. on his way to the airport he asked the taxidriver to ask him a logical question beacause he didn't want to look like a fool in front of his family in india. so the taxidriver asked him that his father had three sons. one is in ahmedabad, one is in australia and who is the third one? Santa sat there for about an hour but couldn't find an answer. so he eventually gave up. the driver told him that it was him, the taxidriver in london. when santa arrived in india his family threw a party for him. he was asked to ask a logical question. so he asked that his father had 3 sons. one is in usa, one is in africa and who is the third one. the people were not able to find the answer. so santa said that it is the taxidriver in london!!
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
* Cat's urine glows under a black light.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected more...
When a blonde goes to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row