London Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two Yanks touring London in a taxi. What is that asked one of the Yanks. Why that is Buckingham Palace answered the taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have much bigger houses over there, and that. That is the Post Office Tower. Oh our towers are much bigger. This went on for much of the day until they went past a another building. Our buildings are much bigger than that one too. I thought it might be said the taxi driver, That is the mental institute
Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin mate!
[Seen in the 'Daily Telegraph' (London) 18th or 19th July 1989, and known
to be going round the House of Lords (UK Upper House).]
Q: What did the Romanian people light their houses with before they
used candles?
A: Electricity.
Paul Abraham, City University Computer Unit, London
Leaving Peterborough for London on a day trip, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how is it going?" Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: "Not bad..." Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going to London..." Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
OFFICE IN LONDON--
written from Central Spain, August 1812
Gentlemen,
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H. M.
ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and
spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been
accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your
indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has
been a hideous confusion as the number of jars more...
T. M. Nair, a well-known politician of Madras of the early nineties, while in London used to frequent a particular pub in the East End. His usual drink was a cocktail of vermouth and gin, the code word for which between his regular waiter and himself was virgin. Once in the absence of the regular waiter, the one substituting for him came to take Dr. Nair's orders. "The usual virgin", Dr. Nair said. After a minute or two, the waiter came back and whispered into the ear of his client, "One cannot be found in London at present, Sir."
Michael Jackson is seeking a comeback in London because he's broke like everybody else. Except he was broke well before the economy bust. Remember when he was running a children's amusement park and not charging admission? Plus open bar! That business model was never going to work.