Long Jokes / Recent Jokes

I was just stepping into the shower this morning when my SO
handed me the phone, telling me it was someone from a long
distance company. I was eager to get into the shower; my
conversation went like this:
Me: Hello?
Him: Hello, sir. I'm from . How would
you like to save money off your long distance calling?
Me: If I told you that I was very happy with my current carrier, would
that preclude any further conversation?
Him: Actually, no, sir. I have to hear a certain number of "no's" before
I let you go.
Me: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Him: Have a nice day, sir.

For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of making love with an [ethnic] man.
One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome [ethnic] who appeared
to be well-hung, so she figured, what the hell, she'd go for it. So Mary
asked
the fellow to come home with her.
When the two got to Mary's apartment, Mary told the [ethnic] about her
fantasy,
and asked if he would be a part of it. Well, the [ethnic], of course,
agreed,
so the two headed for Mary's bedroom. When they got there, Mary said, "Ok,
first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!" So the [ethnic]
did
so. By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up
at the [ethnic] and said, "Now, big boy, do what you do best!"
So the [ethnic] picked up her VCR and left.

Reasons why high school english teachers retire early.
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The more...

Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles.One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers tend to find what they're looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking for other things. It's important, therefore, not to believe research by pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas.Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by phys. Ed. Department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who were overweight didn't live as long as people who were underweight. These were very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions.First, it was assumed that if the overweight group lost more...

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going...
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're more...

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of' Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is more...

Warning - Please DO NOT look at the bottom of the page before you answer ALL the questions
1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (fork)
6. (Almond Joy candy bar)
7. (last name)