Lose Jokes / Recent Jokes

What happens when people of different occupations get old.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes to the synagogue and begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm even going to lose my car as well!"
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck. Back to the synagogue, "My God, why have you forsaken me so? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens more...

While running for the Senate in New York, the young man's political advisor heard some very upsetting news.
"Listen," he said, "you must go to Albany right away or you're going to lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there."
"I have to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose even more votes," replied the candidate.
"Why? What's happening in Buffalo?" the advisor asked.
"They're telling the truth about me!" replied the candidate.

THE “FORWARDER’S” 12 STEP PROGRAM
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need too. Everyone say it with me…
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an e-mail!

2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.

4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail!(If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)

7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone more...

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend,' Hey, why don't you try this ball?' He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.' You can't lose it.'

His friend replies,' What do you mean you can't lose it?!' The first man replies,' I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it onto the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.'

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says,' Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!'

The man replies,' I found it.'

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.. . Lead us not into temptation."

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf more...