Loss Jokes / Recent Jokes

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.Guaranteed like hell," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through, he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company more...

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did" said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too" said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach. "Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

TOKYO (AP) - The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is counter suing for defamation and loss of customers. The Asaka Beer Corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques. Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now more...

There were these 400 pound brothers. One of them lost a lot of weight. The other one asked How did you lose all that weight? The skinny brother said I went to a weight loss clinic. The fat brother asked what weight clinic he went to. The skinny brother told him and said Dont do 100 pounds.
The next day the fat brother went to the weight loss clinic. The man asked him how much weight he wanted to lose. The brother said 50 pounds. He was put in a room with a beautiful woman. She said if you catch me you can have sex with me. They ran around and he eventually caught her and had sex with her. He went home and weighed himself. It worked and he wanted to go back.
He went back and did 95 pounds. He was put in a room with the hottest woman he has ever seen. She says if you catch me you can have sex with me. They run around and he eventually catches her. Once again he loses the weight.
The next day he goes back and decides to do 100 pounds. Are you sure? asked the clerk. The man more...

A woman in Baton Rouge, Louisiana is suing Nintendo for "unspecified damages"
after her thirty year old son died during a marathon session on his N64.
Apparently the unfortunate man died after hitting his head on a table during a
seizure while playing with the console. While this was obviously a tragic loss
for the family involved, it's hard to feel much sympathy for them once you start
to read the details of the accident.
According to the report from the Associated Press, the man first started
suffering seizures after buying his N64 in 1999, but ignoring this inconvenience
he carried on playing on the console for anything up to eight hours a day, six
days a week.
This despite the now standard epilepsy warning that comes with every Nintendo
game, informing players that "some people may have seizures or black outs
triggered by light flashes, such as while playing video games, even if they have
never had a seizure more...

The Immense Consequences
The death under any circumstances of a member of the Royal Family would be
a cause for sadness. Had anyone made a list of those whose death might
have been anticipated, Princess Diana's name would have been last on it,
hence the worldwide shock and outpouring of grief: disbelief, anger,
analysis, sadness and perhaps the reluctant beginnings of acceptance.
Strong emotions would have been triggered had any Royal been even slightly
injured in an accident. The sudden, total loss of Diana, Princess of
Wales in a violent car crash is one of the greatest national tragedies to
befall Britain since the Second World War.
The memory of August 31, 1997 will long remain in people's minds: first
we saw the gruesome wreckage of the Mercedes after hitting an underpass
wall at high speed following a reckless chase through Paris from the Place
Vendome to the Pont De L'Alma. By strange twists of fate, the more...