Lots Jokes / Recent Jokes
A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue.
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house four inches deep.2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock, more...
Little Johnny was planning on getting lots of preasents for Christmas. He knew that god had a connection to the North Pole, and stood up and started to pray.
"God, I have been a child of perfection this year. I think I should get lots of presents... no that won't work."
He got on his knees. "God, I haven't been the best child since last December. I still deserve lots of preasents for my efforts... no that won't work either!"
He laid face flat on the floor. "God, I have been a complete devil this year. But I can change, I promise! No, theres no way he'll beleive that!"
Johnny went to his last resort. He walked over to the model of the stable that Jesus was born in. Little Johnny reached in and pulled out the Virgin Mary. He went into his room, wrapped Mary in a sock, and placed her in his drawer.
"God, if you ever want to see your mother again...
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, - they got the cow from Minsk.It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and more...
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk.
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, - they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.
When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the more...
Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repititious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging bitches and if we enjoy sex we're nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're unnatural and because we still can't get adequate safe contraception but men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're made to feel guilty about abortion and.....for lots and lots of other reasons more...
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
By a Weary Father
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
- When more...