Lots Jokes / Recent Jokes

This should be sung to the tune
A Few of My Favorite Things
from the movie The Sound of Music

My Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while' way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States more...

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I''m usually on Prozac. When I''m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG
COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I''M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I''ve used Microsoft Office.
I''M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don''t ask me about all the McJobs I''ve had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I''M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I''ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I''M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I''M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere''s better.
I''M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a more...

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and more...

Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots ofdocuments on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. .Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

One day 3 pigs whent to a bar and the waiter aked what do you want to drink? The 1st pig said coffie, the 2nd said tea and the 3rd pig said water lots and lots of water.the waiter came back and asked what do you want to eat? The 1st pig said fris, the 2nd said chicken and the 3rd pig said water lots and water.So the waiter came and asked what do you want for desert? The 1st pig said cake the 2nd ice cream the 3rd said water lots and water.The waiter asked why do you all ways order water? The pig said well 1 of us has to go wee wee wee all the way home.

1. Disregard all nonessential numbers. These include age, weight and height.

(Drink lots of beer)

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably family members that fill that need.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever Just never let the brain idle.

(Drink lots of beer)

4. Enjoy the simple things. Remember - when you were young, that's all you could afford. When you were in college, that's all that you could afford. When you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford!

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked anywhere by your distinctive laughter.

(Drink lots of beer)

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, more...

The cow
A Polish town had just one cow to its name and its milk ran dry. The townsfolk did some research and bought a replacement cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it.
Then the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and would never again have to worry about their milk supply. They bought a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. But things were not that easy - when the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left and when the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
In desperation, the people asked their rabbi what to do - he was very wise.
"Rabbi, we`ve tried all day to mate our cow, but when the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and vice versa. What shall we do?"
The Rabbi said to them, "Nu, why did you buy a Minsk more...