Low Jokes / Recent Jokes
A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY
Pity us men.........
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a more...
The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names theyve gotten for the cast. "First of all," he tells him, "Weve got Gibson in the lead." The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?" "Well, no," the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, hes a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but hes very up and coming. And besides, weve also got Redford." "You got Robert Redford?" the director asks. "No, we got Jeremy Redford, but hes very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he says enthusiastically, " weve got Streisand and in a singing role." "Barbara Streisand?" he asks. "No, Elizabeth Streisand." The Producer responds. "But shes got a great voice. AND weve got Goulet." "You got Robert Goulet?" the director asks. "Yeah," the more...
I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low
Prices.
Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors
Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours
Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire
Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone
Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers
Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint
Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices
Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now more...
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with r the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked more...
The following are actual signs found on church property.
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the more...
The revered Mr. Lu, bereft of his spouse in his declining years, took a young woman named Zhu as second wife. Unhappy about the union, Zhu was often seen knitting her brows. One day, Mr. Lu asked her: "Do you regret that you have married an old man?" "No," "You're unhappy because my official rank is too low?" "No, it's not that." "Then why are you so unhappy?" "Neither your old age nor your low rank is the cause of my regret. My only regret is that I was born too late to have met you when you were young."