Low Jokes / Recent Jokes
In recent months, we have heard the Japanese call the US workers lazy, greedy and illiterate. Those are fighting words to us, even if they may be true. The question is what to do about it. My basketball coach always told me to exploit the weakness of the opposition by using what (questionable) strengths I had. I think the US should do exactly that with Japan. The Japanese are world leaders in quality of goods and decades ahead of us in electronics like High Definition Television (HDTV). We will never be able to compete with them in these areas, so we must redefine the competition. I propose that the FCC mandate a new form of Television called Low Emission and Definition Television (LEAD-TV). Such TV sets would have lots of static interference, horrible resolution, be expensive, break very often, and would be hard and frustrating to watch. Exactly the type of TV sets that American industry and workers are already geared to produce! The Japanese, on the other hand, could not produce more...
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe
squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. more...
An old, fit couple had died in a car crash.
St. Peter took them to their mansion which had a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and jacuzzi. "It's free", Peter said,"this is Heaven".
Next they went to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges. St. Peter said "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next day went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?"asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied.
"Well, where are the fat- free and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven".
The old man looked at his wife and said: more...
Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and
if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold
shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife
will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to
two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side
while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please
pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the
entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During
the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers,
dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to the next two days, high pressure to eat sand-
wiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected
both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the
day. more...
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret those hidden signs:
1. Women won't unlock car door for men - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - no foreplay
3. Can't hail a cab - impotent
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - prefers virgins
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - is a virgin
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant - will swallow
10. Wants to go to a deli -won't swallow
11. Uses Sweet n' Low - wearing falsies
12. Takes too long deciding what to order - has trouble reaching orgasm
13. Orders salad dressing on the more...
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's Horses and all the King's men
Came and ate scrambled eggs again.
Father Bear: Someone has been eating my porridge.
Mother Bear: Someone has been eating my porridge.
Baby Bear (crying): Someone has been eating my porridge!
Granny Bear: Oh, will you all please cut it out?! I haven't even served
the porridge yet!
Why is a pig's tail like getting up at 3 am?. .. Its twirly.
Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich?. .. Because the poor had no money.
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
Two peanuts walking down the street, one of them's a salted.
What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? WET rocks.
What is a plumbers favourite flower?. .. Draineeums.
What do you call a pumped-up pumpkin?. .. A jock more...