Machine Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been more...

Bob complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should
see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!!
There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything,
quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your
urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what
you can do about it. It only costs $10. 00."

Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in
the sample and deposited the $10. 00. The computer started making some
noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change more...

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to more...

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, more...

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have more...

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed more...

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see more...