Malley Jokes / Recent Jokes

Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.
THE NAME - Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith - now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE ADDRESS - Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER - Skip it. What are the odds they'll call - 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or more...

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of' em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.

Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest.
"Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"

"I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."

The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.

Next morning at the funeral, the more...

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?""I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in' 62.""This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in' 62, too!" About that time in comes more...

Father O'Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, he decides to take a vacation. He's never been married and is curious about what Americans endure in everyday life, so he decides to go to the States before it's too late.
He hops on a Nevada bound plane and arrives at the airport in Las Vegas. While he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to hm and exclaims, "Elvis! Good Lord, it's Elvis! I always knew you weren't dead, Elvis! How have you been?"
Father O'Malley looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can you not see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a bit like him." He then moves on to his taxi waiting outside. He hops in the cab and is a little upset, so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."
The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing, sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I happen to be your number one fan! It's wonderful to see you!"
"Shut up, you more...