Manager Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger. As he is waiting for his food, he notices that the cook is flattening the raw hamburger patties by placing them under his armpits and squeezing with his arm.
He calls the manager over and points out what the cook is doing.
The manager replies, "Oh, that's nothing. You ought to see how he prepares the donuts!"

Are you management material? Do you have what it takes to be an effective manager in corporate America?
Take this quiz and find out. The brief quiz below includes four questions and indicates whether you are qualified to be a manager in your employer's company. The questions are not that difficult.
How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, insert the giraffe, and close the door.
(This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)
How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, insert the elephant, and close the door.
(This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.)
The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct more...

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Clemson more...

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. “Guess what, sir? ” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long! ” “Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing? ” the manager asked. “That’s the one! ” That’s great! ” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged? ” “Oh, ” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me. ”

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir". "Oh, really? Why did you leave more...

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for' enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen
and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to more...

A guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you urinated in the pool.""Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that." "True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."