March Jokes / Recent Jokes
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything.
Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret.... guys really don't
enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret.... guys feel left out. That's right... left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and more...
Announcement: It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside). Invitations: Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one more...
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a
demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a. m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would
ever come.
“Men, ” our sergeant yelled, “You're doing a FINE job. We've already covered four miles! ”
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
“And, ” continued Sarge, “we should reach the
starting point any minute now. ”
From the March 1990 Playboy interview with Donald Trump: Playboy: How is your marriage? Trump: Just fine. Ivana is a very kind and good woman. I also think she has the instincts and drive of a good manager. She`s focused and she`s a perfectionist. Playboy: And as a wife, not a manager? Trump: I never comment on romance.... She`s a great mother, a good woman who does a good job. Playboy: What is marriage to you? Is it monogamous? Trump: I don`t have to answer that. I never speak about my wife--which is one of the advantages of not being a politician. My marriage is and should be a personal thing.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can`t march.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he`ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can`t march.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he`ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.
Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a `57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a more...
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L. A. future: The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26