Market Jokes / Recent Jokes

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpiller stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

A market researcher called at a house and his knockwas answered by a young woman with three smallchildren running around her. He asked her if she mindedreplying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products wasVaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked ifshe used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewerwas amazed. He said, "I always ask that question becauseeveryone uses our product and they always say they useit for the childs bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; butI know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since youvebeen so frank, could you tell me exactly how you useit?""Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter`s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company`s new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates. "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of more...

Bill lived in the desert and everyday he had to walk three miles to get to the market.
One day as he was walking to the market he saw a man lying on the ground with a huge erection.
"What are doing?" asked Bill.
"I am telling time." said the guy.
"Oh really? What time is it?" replied Bill.
"It's 7:47." the guy responded.
Bill checked his watch and sure enough it was 7:47 "Wow, that's a great trick." He said as he continued to the market.
The next day on the way to the market Bill saw the same guy.
"Hi there, I see you are still telling time, so what time is it?"
The guy hesitated, then said, "It's 7:53."
Bill looked at his watch and sure enough it was 7:53. He congradulated the guy and once again headed to the market.
On the third day Bill saw the same guy, and again asked him the time and sure enough the guy got it right again. Bill went on his way to the market.
That more...

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, more...

Drug dealers Software developer Refer to their clients Refer to their clients as “users”. as “users”. “The first one’s free! ” “Download a free trial version…” Have important South-East Have important South-East Asian connections Asian connections (to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code). Strange jargon: Strange jargon: “Stick, ” “Rock, ” “SCSI, ” “RTFM, ” “Dime bag, ” “E”. “Java, ” “ISDN”. Realize that there’s Realize that there’s tons of cash in the tons of cash in the 14 to 25 year-old 14 to 25 year-old market. market. Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by industry’s producing industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines. Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers. of marketing people and venture capitalists.

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away."

The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.

The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."

"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.

"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."

"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks more...