Marriage Jokes / Recent Jokes
Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practic ed black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back more...
Alan and his wife, Debbie, are working in the garden. Debbie bends over to rip up weeds.
'Wow, Debbie,' Alan says. 'Your butt is getting really wide.'
'No, it's not!' Debbie says.
Debbie walks towards the barbecue grill to throw the weeds in a trash can.
'Your butt is getting so big that it's almost wider than the grill!' Alan says.
He gets a tape measure and measures Debbie and the grill.
'Ha,' Alan says. 'Your butt's the same exact size as the grill!'
Debbie ignores Alan's comments and refuses to speak to him for three days. On the fourth night, they're lying in bed watching television.
'I could sure use some lovin',' Alan says.
Debbie looks over at him and yells, 'Don't think for one minute that I'm going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie!'
A mild mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem. The doctor gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which he read on the way home.When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him, he told her, "From now on I'm the man of this house and my word is law.
When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?""The undertaker," she replied.
Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon more...
A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign language "Honey, how would I tell you when I want to have sex?".
The wife replies in sign language, "if you want have sex bite my right nipple once, if you don't want to have sex bite my left nipple twice".
Agreeing with this, the wife asks the same question to the husband.
The husband replies "Honey, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don't want to have sex pull penis 27 times".
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
"WHAT!?" says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn't care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don't even play more...