Mary Jokes / Recent Jokes

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was toldby his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8: 55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off." "Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail mary's, and for sleeping with the neighbours, 10 hail mary's. So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail mary's and he's on his way. The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the "old man" gives for a wank behind a bush. The two boys reply, "A can of Coke and a Mars Bar."

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"When Mary didnt stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didnt even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one m ore time, Ill more...

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sis ter Mary Agnes. "Show him your cross," says more...

A man and his daughter were standing in the garden one day when the little
girl spots two spiders mating. Mary: Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? Dad: They're mating, honey. Mary: What's the one on top called? Dad: It's a daddy-longlegs. Mary: So the one on bottom is a mommy-longlegs? Dad: No, it's a daddy-longlegs, too. Mary: (thinks for a minute, then stomps on both spiders) Well, we're not having any of that crap in OUR garden!

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company merge to become -Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become -Polly-Warner-Cracker. 3M and Goodyear merge to become -MMMGood. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become -Deere Abi. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become -Zip Audi Do Da. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become -Honey I'm Home. Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become -Mine All Mine. Federal Express and UPS merge to become -FED UP. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become - Fairwell Honeychild. 3M, J. C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become-3 Penney Opera. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become- Knott NOW!

One night, a vampire walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a bloody mary. The bartender gave the vampire his bloody mary and after drinking it, the vampire left the bar.

The next night, the vampire walked into the bar again and asked the bartender for another bloody mary. The bartender gave the vampire his bloody mary and, again, after drinking it, the vampire left the bar.

The third night, the vampire walked into the bar and asked for a hot cup of water. The bartender, confused, asked the vampire, "Wait, aren't vampires supposed to drink blood?"

The vampire pulled out a used tampon and replied, "I'm about to. It's tea-time."
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Q: What do you call two lesbians with their periods?

A: Finger-painting