Mary Jokes / Recent Jokes

The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, "What did you do at recess?" Mary says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says, "That`s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write `sand` correctly, I`ll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does, and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played with Mary in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write `Box" correctly on blackboard, I`ll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write `blatant racial discrimination` I`ll give you a cookie."

A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival she is greeted with ceremony and honor and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is prepared for her.

She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with Holy Mary, if this is possible. Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament.

He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within and he opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter. Within, sitting in a plain chair is a middle-aged Jewish woman in the garb of the first century knitting.

The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it is OK to ask. "Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the mother of God, you a simple Jewish woman I know, but if you could, just give me an inkling more...

Newlyweds, Luke and Mary, spent their wedding night at a hotel.
The following morning, Mary's closest friend, Lynda, came over and asked them how their wedding night went.
"I'm so exhausted," Mary said. "All night long it was up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out."
Misunderstanding her, an embarrased Lynda was shocked that Mary would speak so crassly.
Luke clarified by adding:
"Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!"

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident. Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness." "Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?" Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!""Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary." Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!""Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!""Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!"

Grandma: Youve left all your crusts, Mary. When I was your age I ate every one. Mary: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Mary: Well, you can have mine.

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me. .. the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That`s not true, Mary. Some people don`t even know you."

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'