Mask Jokes / Recent Jokes

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of God. "I am God, I have heard more...

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!",
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!".
The nurse looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!", yelled the ski-mask bandit. So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", he demands.
So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his face. A young nurse's aide appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and face."
Again, he struggles to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Once more, the aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and face."
The Head Nurse was passing and noticed the man was becoming a little distraught, so she approached his bed to find out what was wrong.
Seeing her, the man mumbled again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, she was undaunted. She quickly pulled back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama bottom, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up his pajamas, pulled the bedclothes back up and announced, "There's nothing wrong more...

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of
the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this more...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced:
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To more...

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way the guy driving the bus says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie, of course, says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver "you could tell her you were GOD and command her to have sex with you."
Well the hippie decides to try this out. So that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of GOD. more...