Mate Jokes / Recent Jokes

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew werein danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which thecaptain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vesselssending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calmas ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle wason, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boardingparties, although this time more casualties occurred.Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recountingthe day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"The Captain, more...

In this elderly care home there was a guy called
Charlie who was 99 years old. he was proud that he was
99 years old and barg about it too. One day he gets out of
his bed and visit his neighbour and asks him " Can you guess
my age?" so, the neighbour John looks at him for a while
says you are 85. "wrong" says Charlie, "I am 99"
Now he goes to Albert and says, "can you guess my age"
Albert look at for awhile says and " you are 90"
"wrong" says Charlei "I am 99"
Then he visits his other room mate Fred, and says
"Freddie, can you guess age". Freddie looks at him
for a while and he says "you are 87". "wrong again"
says Charlie and visits his only female room mate
Dorothy and says "Honey can you guess my age" she
then says, " Come close to me Charlie" and then she
unzip and starts putting her hand more...

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting Stupidity2. You Too Can Do Housework3. Resistance to Beer4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4: 00am7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13. You, The Weaker Sex14. Reasons To Give Flowers15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without more...

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" A cynical male listener overheard and spoke up, "Lady, what you really want is a television set!"

A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pots. The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pots and lines them up on the bar.

The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pots, please, mate!"

The barman serves up four pots and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pots. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three.

"Two potsh, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pots in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pot, mate." So the barman fills the glass.

The bloke sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny more...

The top 10 signs your best mate is actually a secret agent....
1. His shoe keeps ringing.
2. When you borrow something from him, it explodes after a week.
3. When you drive his car, you accidentally shoot down the AA Roadwatch helicopter.
4. Various other items he owns self-destruct within five seconds of being handled.
5. He introduces himself with his surname then his first name then his surname again.
6. The dashboard of his new sports car resembles an airplane cockpit.
7. Commutes to the office using a jet pack.
8. "Where do I work? Uh... in the Financial Services Centre! Heheh..."
9. Asks to borrow your exploding pens.
10. Favourite phrase is "Yeah, baby... yeah!"