Mathematician Jokes / Recent Jokes

A conjecture both deep and profound
Is whether a circle is round.
In a paper of Erdös
Written in Kurdish
A counterexample is found.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs, which you are no longer able to satisfy, I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at that Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll by home before midnight. Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a faxed letter waiting for him. It read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You, too are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times that 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up!
Your Wife

Approximately ten excuses for not doing homework:

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
I couldn't figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.
I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee, and then I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

After Receiving an Invitation to a Mathematicians' Ball:

Augustin Louis Cauchy said he surely will managed to integrate well with everyone.

David Hilbert was afraid he will be pretty spaced out for most of the party.

Paul Erdös asked: "Are epsilons invited too?"

John Forbes Nash insisted on playing n-person zero sum games.

Zeno of Elea said he will come with two friends - Achilles and the tortoise.

Bertrand Russell was wondering: "If the cook only cooks for the guests, who cooks for the cook?"

Kurt Gödel insisted that the invitation is incomplete and never will be.

You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Are you a differentiable function? Because I'd like to be tangent to your curves!
You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
My love for you is a monotonic increasing function of time.
Wanna come back to my room and see my copy of Euclid's "Elements"?
I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you are not with me.

Clearly: I don't want to write down all the "in-between" steps.
Trivial: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.
It can easily be shown: No more than four hours are needed to prove it.
Check for yourself: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
Hint: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
Brute force: Four special cases, three counting arguments and two long inductions.
Elegant proof: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
Similarly: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
Two line proof: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question' em if you can't see' em.
Briefly: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.
Proceed formally: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning.
Proof omitted: Trust me, It's true.

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the
average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained
that it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math
question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do."
He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called
the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question,
and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in
it for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The
food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally,
do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive; almost more...