Matter Jokes / Recent Jokes

by Every guy in America: 1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to includesomething from each of the four major male food groups: * ** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. * **3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt. 5. Shopping is not fascinating. 6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 7. Unless the answer is yes. 8. In which case, can he videotape it? 9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes. 10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada. 13. Any more...

Announcement:

It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).

Invitations:

Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you more...

A husband apple and a wife apple were having a discussion.
"Honey, you seem upset..." said the husband apple to his wife apple.
"Yes dear, I am." she replied.
"What is the matter?" he asked.
The wife apple would not say what the matter was and she kept hesitating.
Finally, the husband apple got very upset, and demanded to his wife apple, "You better tell me what is wrong! I want to get to the CORE of things!"

His brain could be the perfect dielectric. His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock. His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel. His buffer is full. His clutch is slipping. His data bus stops for red lights. His deck has no face cards. His elevator is stuck between floors. His face is on a coin... On the edge. His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived. His freelist is empty. His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct. His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. - Robin Williams His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter. His head whistles in a cross wind. His home planet is flat. His IQ is a false positive. His jack can't get the car off the ground. His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency. His mind is great at error magnification. His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes. His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. His mind is write-protected/write-only. His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit. more...

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17, and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word "ratchet" or "socket" on it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car: a 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't more...

An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend." "That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?" The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company." All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle. "Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" more...

Follow them everywhere.
Moo when they say your name.
Pretend to have amnesia.
Say everything backwards.
Give yourself a swirly.
Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, "The sun!!! It's dying!!!"
Run into walls.
Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house in your underwear (or naked for that matter).
Have nervous breakdowns at spontaneous times.
Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
Pretend to worship the devil.
Stand over them at 4 in the morning with a HUGE grin on your face and yell, "Good morning sunshine!!!"
Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder.
Run in circles.
Recite a whole movie 3 times.
Pretend to beat yourself up.
Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA!!!"
Slither everywhere.
Wear a sticker that says, "i'm a retard!!!"
Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist... tell them you're making a more...