Maury Jokes / Recent Jokes

Pauly and Maury are out drinking one night when Maury turns to his pal and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to my street. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs; I get undressed in the dark, but my wife wakes up and I catch hell for staying out so late!"
Pauly looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?'... and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

The Young Whipper-Snapper (TYWS) took MrsYWS to the races one fine Sunday. There they met Maury, an old Army buddy of TYWS.
"Hey! Maury! How's it goin?" says TYWS.
"Cool enough," says Maury, "I've come to bet.
"Great," says TYWS, "you can explain it to me, because I don't know anything about the track."
"Me neither," confesses Maury, "I just play random combinations, and that works like a charm every time. Here ya go, lemme help you pick some numbers. How long you and the missus been married?"
"15 years."
"And how many times a week do yo make love?"
"7."
"And how many kids you got?"
"2."
"And, finally, what's the last number in your house number?"
"9."
"Great!" says Maury. "I'm gonna fix you up with 15-7-2-9."
The race takes place, but the winning combinatin is 15-1-2-9.
That's more...

One Sunday morning after church, little Maury's family invited the priest to breakfast at their home. His mother asked little Maury what he would like for his breakfast and he replied, "I want a lightbulb."
Everyone laughed.
The priest was warmly touched by Maury's funny remark.
"Very funny little Maury," said Mom. "Now tell me what you want to eat."
"I wanna lightbulb," said little Maury.
Mom felt a little irritated with Maury behaving this way in front of their guest. She said sternly, "Enough of that, now what do you want to eat?"
"I wanna lightbulb, Mommy," little Maury said once more.
Mom had enough and said, "Now you can go to your room!"
The good priest felt he should intervene. "Now little Maury, tell us why you want a lightbulb for breakfast."
Maury replied, "Well, last night when I went to bed I heard Daddy say to Mommy, 'Honey, turn out the light and I'll more...