Maybe Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Message From Your Computer:
You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I
like the way your eyes are always open when you read your
E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist
tinkling on her keys.
You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on.
If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really
means!
But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying
your every command. Yes mistress! I'll balance your cheque-
book. Yes mistress! I'll run your silly little program.
Don't get me wrong...I like the Master/Slave thing, but
maybe just once in a while you could show some
compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in,
you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot
first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off
when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards?
I know other computers have hurt you in the more...

Uh...top 10 things not to say to a naked man:
10: Awww...that's cute
9. Well, at least you're good at other things
8. Do you think it'll fit my old Barbie® clothes?
7. My li'l brother has one like that.
6. Are you cold?
5. ::giggles::
4. Maybe we should just be friends
3. Can you make it dance?
2. Umm...maybe you should get dressed
1. Oh...look...its hiding!

(Supposedly a true story - then again, aren't they all?)
This Certified Flight Instructor and his Student are holding on the runway for
departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops
in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: "Cessna XXX cleared for take-off."
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(Think-think-think.)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: "Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN."
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(Think-think-think.)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: more...

Uh...top 10 things not to say to a naked man:10: Awww...that's cute9. Well, at least you're good at other things8. Do you think it'll fit in my old Barbie's clothes? 7. My li'l brother has one like that.6. Are you cold? 5. ::giggles::4. Maybe we should just be friends3. Can you make it dance? 2. Umm...maybe you should get dressed1. Oh...look...its hiding!

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns,... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You liste to me. Some day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Am I right?"
"Yes grandpa, I guess so."
"Ok, so soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, TIMES UP!"

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'
'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.'
'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you more...

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support waiter.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem.
How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You more...