Mean Jokes / Recent Jokes

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

The Freudian Slip Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought the train tickets to go see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a little funny. John said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take a few more sips of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying something he didnít mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said thereís a name for that isnít there... you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you are trying to say something. Yea, says John, itís called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it said Ted, I couldnít think of the word. Why are you asking said John? Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets for Pittsburg, and the girl selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the money and laid it on the counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had to embarrassingly say I mean two tickets to more...

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players."You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!""I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college.""What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded."I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me, how much is six times seven?"The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- one?"The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case.""Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They hadgone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?""Well, I see thousands of stars.""And what does that mean to you?""Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. Whatdoes it mean to you, Holmes?""To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!" Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that... uh... that... uh..... thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... "You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them." Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...! Anyone see where I left that scalpel? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card? Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of more...