Medical Jokes / Recent Jokes

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

A one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye a couple of days before his proctological examination. It caused him concern, but since it didn't seem to cause any ill effects, he forgot about it.
Entering the proctologist's examining room, he did as instructed and undressed, then bent over. The first thing the doctor observed when he looked up the man's butt was the glass eye staring right back at him.
"You know, you really have to learn to trust me!" the doctor said to him.

An old snake went to his doctor and told him, "Doc, I think I need something for my eyes. I don't seem to see very well nowadays."
The doctor fixed him up with a pair of glasses and told him to return in a couple of weeks for a check up.
When he returned two weeks later, the doctor asked him how his vision was since he had the new glasses.
"Great," replied the snake. "Only problem is, now I'm very depressed."
"Why are you depressed?" asked the doctor. "Didn't the glasses help?"
"Oh, the glasses are great, doc," replied the snake. "The problem is, when I got home with them, I realized I've been sleeping with a garden hose for the past couple of years."

A man was experiencing a great deal of pain from a bad case of hemorrhoids, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor told him that the pain could be relieved by suppositories and asked if he would like him to insert the first one. Slightly embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over, held his breathe and felt a sharp pain as the doctor inserted it.
"Now, the next one should be inserted in about six hours," the doctor said. "If you have a problem doing it yourself, ask your wife to help you."
The man went home and laid down for a couple of hours. Later that evening, he attempted to insert the second suppository but found he couldn't do it himself, so he asked his wife for help. She told him to bend over and put one hand on his shoulder to help steady him. As soon as she stuck the suppository in, he let out a scream.
"I'm sorry, dear. Did I hurt you?" she asked.
"No, it's not that," he said, his face ashen in color. "I just more...

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.Patient: I wanna second opinion.Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

While honeymooning in Cape Cod, the newlyweds decided to visit an historic graveyard to look around.
As they were strolling through the graveyard, the mood struck them. They looked around and not seeing anyone, stripped off their clothes and went at it hot and heavy on a tomb.
The following day, the wife's back was aching from her adventure, so she went to see a doctor. The doctor had her strip so he could examine her.
"Just how old are you, my dear?" the doctor asked.
"I'm 25," replied the woman. "Why do you ask?"
"Because on your backside it says you died in 1819!" the doctor replied.

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.
He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.
When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.
This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.
Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit.
The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass.
After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!