Nurse Jokes

It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."
He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..."
By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The more...

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.
Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later."
At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.
Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording more...

A man visits the doctor because he is due to have his first rectal examination.
The nurse tells him to get undressed behind the screen.
After putting on his gown, he notices there are three items on the table next to his bed- a tube of K-Y Jelly, a pair of medical latex gloves and a bottle of beer.
The doctor enters the room.
"I'm a little confused." The patient says to him, "I know what the K-Y Jelly and the gloves are for, but what's with the bottle of beer?""Nurse!" The doctor yells furiously, "I said a butt light!"

Mr. Bell is an elderly man who resides in a nursing home. One day, he entered the nurses' office and advised Nurse Lewis that his penis had died.
Realizing that Mr. Bell was old and forgetful, Nurse Lewis decided to humor him and just play along. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Bell," she said.
A couple of days later, Nurse Lewis noticed Mr. Bell walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pants.
"Mr. Bell, I thought you told me your penis had died," she said.
"It did," he replied. "Today is the viewing."

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!""What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!"Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets." Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation." An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on thebirth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."