Merry Jokes / Recent Jokes
Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
And they're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs, and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.
At the Halfway Mark:
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
At the Stretch:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
At the Finish:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to more...
HORSE RACE Line up:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry
AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is knocking on the door.
AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is moving in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry pops under the strain. Bare Belly is making a final push. Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate more...
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time
and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months.
I want to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and a very
prosperous New Year.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes,
because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains and may eat my guts out as well.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products
are atheist bastards who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could more...
Merry Christmas in Legal Terms
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a
tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it
and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa
Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it
comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the
tattoo artist says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put
such unusal tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband
complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving
and Christmas."
Arrest these merry gentlemen and make them go away,
Arrest these merry gentlemen it may be Christmas Day.
But they're singing and they're shouting and they're causing an affray,
So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy.
Arrest these merry gentlemen a'begging in the street,
They're dirty and they're ragged, they've no boots upon their feet.
They're not the type of person who we really wish to meet,
So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy.
Arrest these merry gentlemen they're rough unruly louts,
Now they've started arguing and loudly they do shout.
And soon I think we'll see some Christmas boxing breaking out,
So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy.
Arrest these merry gentlemen who in their gutters crawl,
The good, the bad, the ugly, the more...
"The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen" by Bob Rivers
Sung to the Tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
The restroom door said gentlemen
So I just walked inside
I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride
I heard high voices
And I saw the place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse
What could be worse
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse
The restroom door said gentlemen
It must have been a gag
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace and hit me with her bag
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day,
What can I say
It just wasn't turning out to be my day
The restroom door said gentlemen
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
Cause I've got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind
Now I can't sit with comfort and more...