Messy Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man had recently gone through a messy divorce to his wife of 10 years. Part of the settlement was that for every dollar he made, she would get 2/3 of it. If he made $300, she would get $200 and he would get $100. So, she would always get twice as much as he did.
One day on a jog, he found a corked bottle lying on the ground, and of course, when he rubbed on it to try to clean it off, a genie came out.
'You know the drill,' said the genie.' You get three wishes, but be aware that for everything you wish for, you ex-wife gets twice as much. That was in your settlement and I am obligated to stick to that.'
'Yea, OK,' said the man.' For my first wish, I want a million dollars.'
'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has 2 million.'
'I know, I know...' said the man.' Now I wish for a mansion and a matching sports car in the garage.'
'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has a mansion twice your size and two more...
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal; but boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your
home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they more...
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. This kitchen is delirious.2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 10. Housework done properly can kill you.11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.12. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.
A man woke up in the morning to see that the whole house was all messy. Clothes were all over the room. Coffee beans were spilled on the kitchen floor. Even the house was teepeed with toilet paper.
Back in the living room, a note read:
Dear Honey,
I have gone shopping for a little while. Sorry if I left the house a little messy. I don't know when I'll be back.
After reading the note, he calls her.
"Where are the couch, TV, and coffee machine?"
"Uhh, that's a funny story."
She hangs up, and their 23-year old son walks in.
"Austin! Where is my wife?"
"Oh, that. You drank like crazy and fell asleep. When she was pulling you back to bed, you woke up, punched her, spun her around in the air and threw her in the toilet. She told me she would move after I trashed the place with her."
"So whose wife was that?"