"messy divorce" joke
A man had recently gone through a messy divorce to his wife of 10 years. Part of the settlement was that for every dollar he made, she would get 2/3 of it. If he made $300, she would get $200 and he would get $100. So, she would always get twice as much as he did.
One day on a jog, he found a corked bottle lying on the ground, and of course, when he rubbed on it to try to clean it off, a genie came out.
'You know the drill,' said the genie.' You get three wishes, but be aware that for everything you wish for, you ex-wife gets twice as much. That was in your settlement and I am obligated to stick to that.'
'Yea, OK,' said the man.' For my first wish, I want a million dollars.'
'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has 2 million.'
'I know, I know...' said the man.' Now I wish for a mansion and a matching sports car in the garage.'
'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has a mansion twice your size and two matching sports cars in the garage.'
'I know, I know...' said the man.' Now, for my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death.'
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Mobile, Alabama to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then more...
Once there were 3 guys, a Cuban, an American, and an Italian. So they worked together, and it was lunch time, so the American opens his lunch box and sees peanut-butter and jelly sandwich and he says, "If I get a peanut-butter jelly sandwich one more time I'm going to kill more...
A Cuban, a Japaneze guy, an American and a Mexican are in a boat.
The Cuban pulls out a box of cigars, takes one and throws the rest
in the water. He puffs twice and throws it in the water.
He says, "We have so many cigars in cuba, we can spare more...
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He played it cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally, one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was more...