Settlement Jokes

A man had recently gone through a messy divorce to his wife of 10 years. Part of the settlement was that for every dollar he made, she would get 2/3 of it. If he made $300, she would get $200 and he would get $100. So, she would always get twice as much as he did.

One day on a jog, he found a corked bottle lying on the ground, and of course, when he rubbed on it to try to clean it off, a genie came out.

'You know the drill,' said the genie.' You get three wishes, but be aware that for everything you wish for, you ex-wife gets twice as much. That was in your settlement and I am obligated to stick to that.'

'Yea, OK,' said the man.' For my first wish, I want a million dollars.'

'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has 2 million.'

'I know, I know...' said the man.' Now I wish for a mansion and a matching sports car in the garage.'

'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has a mansion twice your size and two more...

Surprise Settlement Evenly Splits Microsoft; One Firm To Make Software, Other To Make Patches
Decision Keeps Redmond from Monopolizing Massive Microsoft Patch Industry
Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states, Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies — one that will continue to make Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software, and another, potentially larger company that will make patches for Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software.
Critics immediately charged that the settlement — which overrides a previous agreement with the U.S. Department of Justice — does nothing to diminish Microsoft's standing as the world's most powerful software company. But industry analysts argued that providing patches for security holes in Microsoft programs is a major, untapped growth industry, and applauded the states for not allowing Redmond to control it.
"Just consider, more...

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.

"Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."

"I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge.

"Wait, there's more...
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.
Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's."

"THAT'S when I hit him!"

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
"Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."
"I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge.
"Wait, there's more...
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.
Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's."
"THAT'S when I hit him!"

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions."Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry.""I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge."Wait, there's more...When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's.""THAT'S when I hit him!"