Million Jokes / Recent Jokes

After a shipwreck an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are stranded
on an island. They survive there for a while, and one fine morning a
bottle is washed up on the shore.
They open it and out comes a genie. So, of course it says: "I've been in
that bottle for a thousand years, and I am infinitely grateful to you for
letting me out. I will grant each of you one wish."
The Englishman says, "I want a million pounds and to go home."
So he disappears.
The Frenchman says, "I want a million women and to go home."
So he disappears.
The Russian grows sad, and says "Why, they were nice. I grew to like them!
I want a million bottles of vodka, and... Both of them back!"

The following jokes are from "No Laughing Matter" by Steven Lukes
of Oxford and Itzhak Gelnoor of Hebrew University of Jerusalem.
The selections are from the June 5, 1989 issue of Newsweek (review
by George F. Will).
Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs
meat today."
Deng Xiaoping tells Gorbachev that three demands must be met before
relations can improve. First, China wants 100 million tons of coal.
"Agreed," says Gorbachev. And 20 new ships. "Done," says Gorbachev.
And a million bicycles. "Impossible," says Gorbachev. "But why?"
asks Deng. "Because," says Gorbachev, "the Poles don't make bicycles."
Khrushchev says to Zhou Enlai, "The difference between the more...

Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.
"I`ll tell her if you like," said the doctor. "I`ll lead up to it gradually." The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady`s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ˜round to money. "Tell me Mrs. Parkinson," he said, "what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?"
"Half a million?" said the old lady reflectively, "well you`ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I`d give half of it to you."
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.

The president of the Festive Foods Corporation was included in a papal audience and he took the opportunity of making a business proposition to the Pope; that if he could arrange for the Lord's Prayer to be changed from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily turkey" throughout the whole of Advent and Christmas. In exchange the Festive Foods Corporation would give £20 million to Catholic charities. The Pope declined his offer. A few weeks later the man called the Pope and upped the offer to £50 million; but once again it was turned down. A few weeks before the beginning of Advent the man came back to the Pope with an astonishing offer of £100 million. The Pope considered all the good works that could be done with such a large amount of money and decided to go ahead. The next day he called a special meeting of the Cardinals to let them know about the situation. "Well" said the Pope. "I have good news and bad news. The good more...

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?""We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!""TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.So, where are you staying in Rome?""We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.""That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?""We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.""That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of more...

The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will:

"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million."

"To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business and $1 million.

"And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!"

A litte boys goes to his father and asks him the difference between hypothetical and a fact.
His father tells him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.
The boy asks his mother and she replies "Hell yeah."
He tells his father what she says and then his father tells him to go ask his sister if she would sleep with the principal for a million dollars.
He asks and his sister replies "Yes."
He again tells his father what the answer was. The little boy asks "So what's the difference?"
The father replied "Hypothetically we're rich, the fact is we're just living with a couple of whores."