Mind Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Rules (by Her)
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read more...

They tell me, that age my dear, is just a state of mind
And of course that growing old, is not a thing to dread
I went to a funeral yesterday, held for a friend of mine
His state of mind isn't good, 'cause now he thinks he's dead

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun... Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Indian: shows extreme look of shock Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian. Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: shows look of disbelief Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: extreme look of shock Cowboy: "Is this your owner? "pointing at Indian. Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me more...

The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try."Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.He tried one more time - speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.The young preacher apologized profusely. "That's all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"

A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"
She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."
He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."

The next time your mind goes blank, do all of us a favor -- turn off the sound.

1.+-------+
| sand | = sand box
+-------+
2. man
--------- = man overboard
board
3. stand
---------- = I understand
i
4. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ = reading between the lines
5. r
road = cross road
a
d
7. cycle
cycle = tricycle
cycle
8. t
o = downtown
w
n
9. le /
/ vel = split level
/
10. 0
------- = two degrees below zero
M. D.
Ph. D.
11. knee
-------- = neon light
light
12. ii ii
------------- = circles under the eyes
O O
13. dice dice = paradise
14. t
o
u = touchdown
c
h
15. ground
-----------
feet
feet = six feet underground
feet
feet
feet
feet
16. mind
--------- = mind over matter
matter
17. he's / himself = he's beside himself
18. ecnalg = backward glance
19. death / life = life after death