Mind Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again. "Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!" The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch more...

"It's terrible," the man said to his friend. "I just lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about all the debts I have and all the things I have to get done at work. I swear, if I don't get some sleep soon, I'm gonna lose my mind!"

"You ought to do what I do," his friend said. "Take a few shots of whiskey or bourbon before you hit the sack."

"That makes you sleep?"

"Heck no," he said. "It makes you not mind being awake!"

God one day decided he ought to check in with Adam to see how things were
going.
"Adam....How are things going?"
Adam replies that he considers himself quite fortunate to be living in such
a beautiful and peaceful place but he did have a couple of questions to ask,
if the Lord didn't mind, of course.
"No problem," said the Lord, "Ask away"
"Well Lord, I was wondering why you made Eve so beautiful? Not that I'm
complaining, mind you."
"Adam, I made Eve so beautiful so that you would like her."
"Oh, well yes, I do like her very much. Thank you Lord. You made her so
beautiful, but why is it then that you made her so stupid?"
"Well Adam, I had to make sure she liked you too!"

Republic Insurance Company

Carson, California

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "POOR PLANNING" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should elaborate more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of more...

His brain could be the perfect dielectric. His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock. His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel. His buffer is full. His clutch is slipping. His data bus stops for red lights. His deck has no face cards. His elevator is stuck between floors. His face is on a coin... On the edge. His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived. His freelist is empty. His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct. His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. - Robin Williams His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter. His head whistles in a cross wind. His home planet is flat. His IQ is a false positive. His jack can't get the car off the ground. His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency. His mind is great at error magnification. His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes. His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. His mind is write-protected/write-only. His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit. more...

An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend." "That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?" The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company." All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle. "Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" more...

Low-bandwidth as an information source.

Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.

Made a career out of mid-life crisis.

Mainspring's wound too tight.

Makes a black hole look bright.

Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.

Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.

Mental software is Version 1. 0 / still in beta test.

Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.

Metronome needs oil.

Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.

Mind like a steel sieve.

Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.