Mind Jokes / Recent Jokes
For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.
You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!
You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!
I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.
I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since.
You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the more...
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good!
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dad's for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary
are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the more...
1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.
2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a
women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already
there.
4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same
time, who would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.
5. How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both
last about 60 seconds.
6. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a
bikini.
7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
8. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
9. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
10. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No more...
Insanity is one mind working in two different directions at once.
Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters
near Paris found English to be an easy language... until they tried to
pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below
were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months
at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.
ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF
======================
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say more...
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
And doesn't mind admitting when he's wrong,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call,
he won't wait two weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed
& opens my door & begs to do more
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind,
knows just what to say when I ask,
"How Big is My Behind!?!"
One who will kiss me till my body's twitchin',
In the hall, the shower, the garden and the kitchen.
I pray this man will love me no end, and never
attempts to date my best friend.
And, as I kneel and pray by my bed...
I look at the Butt Head you sent me instead!
~ Amen ~