Mine Jokes / Recent Jokes
A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back:. ..and I will fill your cavity.
A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it's yours.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split thehouse. He got the outside.
A lawyer was hunting one day and shot a duck. The duck fell behind a fence, so the lawyer climbed the fence to get it. When he did, the landowner, a farmer, happened by.
"What do you think you are doing, trespassing on my land?" asked the farmer.
"I shot a duck, and I'm going to collect it. I'll be gone in a minute."
"No way," said the farmer. "If the duck landed on my property, then it is mine."
"Listen," said the lawyer. "Maybe you don't understand. Right now I am dressed in hunting gear, but I am a lawyer. Not only that, but I am a famous trial lawyer. I sue people for a living. And under the law, that duck is rightfully mine. If you don't let me get it, I have no problem suing you for every dime you are worth."
"Well, I ain't no city lawyer," said the farmer. "Out here we all just go by the law of three kicks."
"I don't know what more...
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to more...
A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.