Mine Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said,' My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.' The second said,' Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful.' The third said,' Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going.'
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops. "I want mine to be 7-Up,' cause 7 days a week he's up." "I want mine to be Mountain Dew' cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it." "Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's." "You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor." "Exactly."
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Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.
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Customer: Waiter is this a lamb chops or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter?
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Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a more...
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He leadeth me to Neiman Marcus
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my checkbook
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past K-Mart for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Target
I shall not go in, for Thou art with me
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewelry for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Rodeo Drive forever.
If I like it, its' mine.
If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stop at a bar for a beer and while they're drinking a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that parked outside?" The Lone Ranger raises his hand and says, "That's mine. Am I blocking you?" The cowboy says, "No but you might want to check it, looks like it's running hot." Sure enough they go look out the door and the horse has broken out into one of those typical soap shavings sweats that horses are known for. Tonto says, "I'll take care of it boss." He rushes out and starts wiping the horse down and doing a rain dance around it while the Lone Ranger goes back inside. Another minute passes and another cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that parked outside?" The Lone Ranger once again raises his hand and says, "That's mine." The cowboy says, "You may want to check it, looks like you left your injun running."