"Mind your language" joke

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Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.
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Customer: Waiter is this a lamb chops or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter?
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Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
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Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my teacup?
Waiter: I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortuneteller.
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Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny?? But why aren't you laughing?
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Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Son: Well, where did you get mummy then?
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Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
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Peter: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Krik: Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another pair of the same at home.
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Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
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Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're fortunate, mine's still alive."
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The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure," replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
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A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order"
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
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Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang in two days time?
Post Master: Well it might do.
Customer: I bet you, it won't.
Post Master: Why not?
Customer: It's addressed to Johor.
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An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
My trouble is,' he said,' that I keep forgetting things.'
How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
How long has what been going on?' said the man.
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Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love.
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1st thief: Oh! The police are here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! this is no time for superstitious.
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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born.
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Teacher: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher: How?
Student: Ladies first.
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Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
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Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy!?" Daddy!? I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well,"? began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science."
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