Missing Jokes / Recent Jokes

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was."It's a period," said the little boy."Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?""Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

A Russian man loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the
neighbourhood, in the park, everywhere. He just can't find the parrot.
Finally, he goes around to the local KGB office, and tells the desk officer
his problem.
The desk officer is a little puzzled. "Look comrade, I'm sorry you lost
your pet, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports."
"Oh, I know that," says the man. "I just wanted you to know, if you do
happen to find my parrot-I don't know where he could have picked up his
political ideas."

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Darn, there go the lights again. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of' em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all. Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right? Anyone see where I left that scalpel? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, more...

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?" The Sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too.

The harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he decided to send them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.
The next morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat him down and sternly asked, "Where is God ?"
Billy sat there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, "Where is God ?"
Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev. shook his finger in Billy's
face and screamed, "WHERE IS GOD ?"
Billy screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into his closet, shutting the door behind him.
His older brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,
"What happened to you ?"
Billy yelled, "We're in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing and
they think WE did it. "

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home.
As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette.
Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing.
He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there.
Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
"Aaron, The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cellphone?"