Missing Jokes / Recent Jokes

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh..... thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Rats! There go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hey, the guy's got two of' em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, more...

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000: 1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?" 10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off." 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST. SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE. SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS. SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at more...

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the more...

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICECongratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!? We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. more...

A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing.
The police arrived and asked for a description of her husband. She told them that he was 6 foot 2 inches tall with blonde wavy hair and a smile that made everyone love him.
The police proceeded to go next door to ask the neighbor if she had any information about the man. The lady next door, astonished at the description given to the police by her neighbor, told the police, "That's not true. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, is bald and has a perpetual frown on his face."
After the police left, the neighbor went to ask why the woman had given the police a false description of her husband.
She replied, "Just because I reported him missing doesn't mean I want him back!"

Two six-year-odl boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time-outs, notes home, missed recesses, but could do nothing with them.
Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The piest asked, "Son, do you know where God is?"
The little boy just sat there.
the priest stood up and asked, "Don, do you know where God is?"
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair, rushed past his friend in the waiting room, and ran all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend followed him home. He came into the bedroom and asked, "What happened in there?"
The boy replied, "God is missing, and they think we did more...

Computer Ease! The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except. .. no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12. BREAKFAST. SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13. COFFEE. SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14. CONGRESS. SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16. Bad or more...