Mixed Jokes / Recent Jokes

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

Q: Do you know what the height of mixed emotions is?
A: Watching your mother-in- law go over a cliff in your brand-new Mercedes.

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U. S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?" Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It more...

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Larrys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Larry 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Larry Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Larrys were good, but I'm gonna name my Larry, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Larry!!"

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. - have a good time!
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with more...

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

One evening, three women are having a few drinks at the bar, when one of them says, "Why don't we name our Sams after a soda pop. I'm really getting tired of getting my Sam mixed up with your Sam, and her Sam mixed up with your Sam."
The other two women agree that this sounds like a very good idea.
The first woman says, "I think I'll name my Sam 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three women hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second woman says, "Ok then, I'm going to name my Sam Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three of them hoot and holler and slap each other another high five.
Then, the third woman says, "You know, those two were good, but I'm going to name my Sam Jack Daniels."
The other two women shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
Grinning, the third woman exclaims, more...