Modern Jokes / Recent Jokes
THE LAST WORD
The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.
Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.
Biological Science: A contradiction in more...
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turnedto an attendant standing nearby."This," she said, "I suppose, is one of thosehideous representations you call modern art?""No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
1. Sex Education
"What did you have in school today?" a father asked his teenage son.
"Oh we had lectures on sex!" was the reply.
"Lectures on sex? What did they tell you?" asked the father aghast.
"Well, first there was a priest who told us why we shouldn't, Then a doctor told us how we shouldn't. Finally the principal gave us a talk on where we shouldn't."
2. The modern child
A man wanted to foster a love for music in his children so he bought them a piano.
When he got home he found them contemplating the piano in puzzlement. "How", they asked "do you plug it in?"
3. City boy in Village.
A little boy was in a village, away from the big city for the first time in his life. He was standing on the sidewalk when an old man drove up in a horse and cart and went into a shop. The boy kept gazing in wonder at the horse, an animal he had never seen in his life. When the old man came out more...
16> In a steamy shower, bottle of Nair looks just like bottle of shampoo.
15> Obnoxious frat boys who attempt to ruffle you with a different type of' full moon.'
14> Jason Bateman's portrayal not quite as sympathetic as Michael J. Fox's.
13> Constant wet-dog smell on your car's upholstery.
12> Most people get all freaked out by a friendly get-acquainted crotch-sniff.
11> Confused PETA zealots and their red spray paint attacks.
10> Constant marking of territory required to keep Ed Asner and Robin Williams at bay.
9> Is that Martha Stewart anal or what?!
8> Latest Cosmo poll says back hair STILL a big turnoff.
7> Routine ass kickings from neighborhood pit bull.
6> Having to bail Warren Zevon out of the drunk tank twice a week.
5> Can't stop for a leisurely tongue bath without drawing an envious crowd.
4> Chicks don't dig human-carnage breath.
3> more...
Irv and Sol, are walking down the street when Sol turns to Irv and says, "Irv, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"
Irv says, "Sol, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."
So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Irv turns to Sol and says, "Sol, if you had two of those luxury, playboy- type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"
Sol says, "Irv, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Bar Mitzvah, we have gone to the same shul together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury more...