Mom Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.

Late one Saturday evening, a woman was awakened by the ringing of her phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice she said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since she doesn't have any daughters, the woman knew the person had mis-dialed. "I'm sorry dear," she replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

A pause.

"Gosh, Mom, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.

Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.

"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with more...

Little Johnny's mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Little Johnny received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt."

The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front more...

BOY: Since we met, I can't eat or drink... GIRL: Why not? ? BOY: I'm broke. BOY: May I hold your hand?? GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy. GIRL: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?? BOY: What time was it?? GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY: You love me... GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? BOY: Sure, what's your phone number?? GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.. BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?? BOY: I love you and I could die for you! GIRL: How soon?? SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?? TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth. Man: You remind me of the sea. Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? Man: NO, because you make me sick. Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter? more...

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"His mom replies, "The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life."The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she`s happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"